I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
