dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
