I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
