Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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