I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
