Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
