all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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