toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
