I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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