I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
