Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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