He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
