OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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