there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
