mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
