my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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