You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
