Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize