good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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