just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
