I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
