my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
