my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
