I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize