If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
