There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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