Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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