i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
