I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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