After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Vodka?
Forever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
