I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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