I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
