I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
