i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize