I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
