Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
