The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
