No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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