if you like me you must not know who I am
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
