I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
