I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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