If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
