wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I touched a dick in church today
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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