i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
