she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
