I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this just has baby written all over it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I stole a fireplace last night.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
