The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
