the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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