omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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