remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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