The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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