What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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