Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
