I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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